Ever get one of those messages that leave you hinged on the edge of anxiety?
I have.
Got one tonight. My co-worker left me a message about what's up at work.. saying something along the lines of "things are stewing"... no details, no idea if she's quit, if someone's been fired or if there's talk of hiring someone to replace me and then give me the squeeze when I return.
I'm all full of anxiety about the unknown and a job I hate.
In truth I don't hate it, in truth I'm more affraid of not having it.

I saw my rheumatologist today, he was really... well impatient. And maybe I'm just too sensitive to my surroundings, esp when I'm vulnerable... but I hate to feel rushed in talking about my health, what I feel is my future. It's funny, as the years have passed, it seems this is the one when things are coming out about when I was sick... how the Attending Doc was disgusted when he found out the Resident interns that were assigned to me fucked up SO royally and nearly killed me.... how my surgeon came out and spoke to my mum and was visibly upset at what he'd found when I was wheeled in to him.
Somehow hearing these things makes me feel validated... and some part of me feels angry and cheated.
Probably because I'm dealing now with reprecusions of others mistakes... I doubt they were even reprimanded or held accountable for. To those now doctors somewhere I was just some college aged girl with an odd case that got fucked up... no name, no face, no reality that a life was altered by them.
I never got an I'm sorry... and now, years later I wish I had sued. Sued for an apology.
I keep coming back to hospitals, like a horrid magnetic pull.
I hate them, I really do. And yet, here I am watching "grey's anatomy" like some kinda TV drama junkie craving another hit. I've now seen all of season one... I want more!

Anyhow, so yeah, my Doc apt.
I've gained like 15lbs from somewhere. I swear out there in space is some black hole that leads to my ass, some fat transporting wormhole physics magic has overnight made my body mass grow.
I left with the advice that I:
walk at least 20min a day no matter what (because it seems that's the be-all-end-all cure to fibro)
and oh yes... take more drugs... gotta try more drugs
Like I haven't had enough meds in my life. The idea is for me to try head meds! Yay! To alter hormone levels and chemistry altered by this central nervous disorder from hell and maybe bring me better sleep, more energy and less general pain. Course I could just wind up jittery, thinking I can fly or completely numb and non-responsive. Crap shoot either way.
Basic lesson from today's visit-
"Wrap and elephant in wool and call it a sheep often enough and then it will suddenly become one."
which in my language means- you only have bad fibro symptoms when you let yourself be aware that they're there. Fuck that. If something hurts it fuckin hurts.
I left wanting to cry with complete and utter frustration. I walked out confused if I had a good visit of if suddenly I was the 2 inches high that I felt. I haven't felt like that in a long time and I remembered why- I don't usually go to doctors anymore. When they can't magically fix it, you feel like the asshole and like you're wasting their time.

I don't want my job anymore.
Can't afford to not be employed.
My body is still damaged, and when it's healed I have to maintain a strict regimine (notice I don't give a shit about spelling anymore?) of stressless and healthy living to live an at minimum comfortable life.
I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL I"M DOING!!!!
I've chosen that I have to do freelance.
I've chosen that I'm going to attempt to only work at my job for the minimum # of hours to keep insurance until I can figure out a way to make enough money to support myself as I have been.
I'm going to do freelance.
Oh god I'm fuckin crazy.
I'm gonna be so poor.
I'm a HORRIBLE organizer... no no actually I'm a good organizer of crap and things... just not deadlines and money and art supplies and space and living and social things and time...
I'm so fucked.
fucked fucked fucked
and I already know, this is what I'm supposed to do. If it wasn't I wouldn't be this scared.

I can't get John Meyer's song "Neon" outta my head.
The opening guitar riff is stuck in my brain and I'm actually kinda loving it.

So I'm now... what a week into being out of work on disability-leave?
I go insane every few hours.
Like about every 5 I just crack and go all twitchy and "OHMYGODwhatthehellamIdoinghomeWHATamIdoingwithmyLIFE?"
Yeah. Go me.

Yesterday I took a big trip. All the way to the beach with my folks. My "big day out", woohoo! I rode there, got out, built a cairn, froze half to death in under 10min, got back into the car and rode home. However I taught the old folks that the new fangled technology of mp3's and ipods are really really neat combined with FM tuning devices that hack into yer car radio. I gots powers yo.

I've come to the conclusion that I gotta do freelance.
I gotta suck it up and just damn doit. Oooh new word... DOIT. ha. misspellin is fun.
ow.
Yes I'm still "ow"ing.
My body still don't like me. But that's ok, I don't really like it either, so at least the feeling is mutual... but we're stuck with each other my body and me. Perhaps someday we'll resolve our differences.
Meanwhile-
I've been going through my cabinet of old art and folders from college, came across research I'd done for freelancing stuffs. I'm gonna go the pro route. 3 Genres too.
-Commercial work (illustration, my work that's highly marketable)
-Gallery (I'm and artist and I don't give a shit if you understand my vision because we both know you wanna buy it cus it's cool) work
-Retail/Public Spaces work (restaurants, shops, walls, volunteer, clubs etc)

I figure that no matter what all this turns out to be I have no choice... I gotta be persistant and get the jobs, do the work... because the alternative is to do a non-art job or seriously wind up doing big damage to my physical and stress oriented self by staying TOO long where I'm at now.
Hell, I'm in a place where the options are dwindling.
I actually had a GOOD conversation with my father about it the other day.
REALLY weird, he finally shut up and instead of thinking what he was gonna say next he actually listened to what I was saying and *got* it.

My dad is a quick judge of character. He actually is rather cold like that at times.
Random analogy-
He looks at a citrus fruit the size of a baseball... declares it's a navel orange. And he'll swear and fight with you that that's what it is, or he'll storm away "end of conversation".... if he'd look closer and peel the rind back he's see it's a tangelo... something completely different. Only way to get him to see that is to catch him in the right mood, right time of day and to stand there and peel the damn thing infront of him and make him take a bite. In my experience, when I've done that, he either gets irritated that I've called him on his shit or he claims I'm a genius and makes a big deal about how smart I am to discover something so different. *this is me, this is me rolling my eyes*

With that explained you can possibly understand how difficult it'd be to have a constructive conversation with him about my future or personal frustrations when whatever I say he's perceiving it COMPLETELY wrong. I say "I'm frustrated", he takes it as I'm throwing in the towel and have been defeated and given up all hope.
My sister too tends toward this misperception... only she leans toward my aunts methods. Very dramatic, tough love, or Wow that sucks I can SO relate... and then begins telling you a story ALL about her similar experience (that in some cases may be a real reach to get anywhere near similar) completely changing the subject and thus the conversation is utterly unhelpful to you. I myself do this at times and have over the past few years since realizing it have tried to stop.

Anyway... long tangent later...
I'm gettin used to being home again and finding it easing. I need a studio... that's my only beef. If I had a place here, all to myself that was a "real" studio... able to be messy and all I'd be set.
My hope is to start freelancing in the next few months.
Building a clientel, sending out mailings to art directors and such.

Oh my god.
I'm so goddamn bored.
But then again... I'm mind numbingly numb too.
Muscle relaxants make everything go slow.
Like..... hmmm... me.

Grey's Anatomy had the word "fibromyalgia" on last night. That was cool.
I"m not supposed to be on the computer.
I'm not supposed to be doing anything that may strain my neck or back...
like for instance:
driving
sitting up and leaning forward to do things like- beading, painting, drawing, knitting, collaging, typing... well most things I could do when stuck at home in pretty much bedrest.
walking up and down stairs without holding a railing or going slowly
cleaning
re-arranging
hauling laundry

Getting the drift huh?
I'm not a sitter. I thought I was, but I'm not. When I sit and "relax" I'm doing something while sitting there. Grr.

I'm drugged enough that my appetite is shot, my muscles are starting to heal but I'm in a fog- not tired enough to sleep but not awake enough to give a crap about anything... sorta waking nap mode. It's really weird. Like time has stopped.
I think I've gotten fat. I need to do something about that. I know I'm not fat, but I feel fat. Or maybe it's just because I'm just laying around I feel fat. My aunt called.
She didn't know about anything, my dad didn't bother to call her.
Eric invited me to the circus.
I found out hours and hours after he'd gone to it... which I couldn't have gone anyway.. but still.. it's the circus! I like the tigers. I feel bad for the tigers... but I still like them.

have I mentioned I'm goddamn bored?
what a waste!
I don't have time to be laid up!
I didn't want "THIS" kind of vacation!

Alex on "grey's anatomy" reminds me of my nefew... what he could end up being when he gets older. I hope not. Alex is an ass. I understand the character... but he's an ass.

I want a blow pop.
Or maybe I just want something to actually amuse me.
I watched the "corpse bride" today- it was good, but didn't amuse me.
WAAAAHHHH BLAAAAAHHH eerrgle schnoppen GRRRRR....
I'm so damn bored.